Landslide

Each day I am learning that I am not alone, whether it be due to the wonderful people at afterellen.com or the newest episode of Glee. I do have some days where I feel ashamed, and I really hate that, but those days are getting fewer and fewer.

I suppose it doesn't really help that I'm only out to three people: my parents and my Dad's cousin (hi Paul!). They've all been brilliant and I know they all love and accept me for who I am. I can't really say that about the rest of my family: no, that's unfair. What I mean is, I'm convinced they won't love me or want me in their lives anymore when they know the truth. The delusion and conviction is so deep it's affecting my relationships within my family, and even with my very lovely best friend.

Religion has a part to play of course. My maternal grandparents are Christians, and though never overtly homophobic I know they wouldn't approve. I have this memory that clings and haunts me, of a moment when me and my grandparents were talking about the soap operas on TV and my grandfather said that the programmes were no good anymore because they were "full of queers". That did sting. That was a time before I'd really come to terms with the possibility of being gay, but I've sort of known I was different since I was about thirteen.

Well, thirteen was the age that I actually thought the words "Oh God, I might be a lesbian.", but I immediately stuffed them away and trod them down and shut my eyes to them. I probably would have kept up the pretense, but it was becoming more and more apparent how I wasn't at all attracted to any boy I was in a relationship with. My first boyfriend, at age eleven, also turned out to be gay so thankfully we never really went near each other. When I got into a more 'real' relationship I found that any signs of affection bored me and I just wanted to push him away every time he tried to kiss me. I couldn't understand why other girls were swooning over it when kissing boys seemed so dull. Every time I kissed a boy I felt absolutely nothing. That was one of the first signs.

But really the first signs were when I was a child. My mother child-minded another girl who was my age, let's call her Lucy for now, and we became as close as sisters all through primary school. Lucy drove me crazy and we always had fights, but I do remember the games we'd play. I'd always be 'the boy' and kiss her: I think being 'the boy' made it feel more easy within myself to accept I was attracted to girls. In all the games at school I played the 'husband' when we played in the makeshift toy house set up in the classroom. It was obvious now I look back at it, but at the time I was too young to notice.

That's all for now. Please chat if your out there, I'd like to hear from you.

P.S. The title of this newest entry is from the song 'Landslide' by Fleetwood Mac, which is an amazing song (and also played a big part in Glee episode 15...)